Take that Butterfinger...... and shove it!

F$CK YOU Butterfinger, and all your peanut-buttery/chocolate goodness!

I tried, I really did!

But then I got all high and mighty....... and it clenched my DOOM!

I was reading everyone else's blog, talking about motorboating bags of candy that the children gathered on Sunday..... reading about cheating on diets, looking at pictures of empty candy wrappers in the trash, calorie counts, weight gains..... and I smugly sat here and proudly said to no one: Not me! I've been strong, I've done GREAT! I'm so close to Onederland, I can taste it.....

Onederland does NOT taste like a Butterfinger however. And that's probably step one of my 10 steps into the abyss!

1. Triplet #2 brought home a bag of candy that could feed a small country. Triplets #1 and #3 brought home nearly as much, but apparently, #2 did some serious schmoozing, and got all those "full size" candy givers to donate more than once. He got a full size Twix, M&Ms, Snickers, Kit Kat, Butterfinger AND MilkyWay. Must be some sort of record!

2. My FMC (Free Menstral Calendar, TMI iPhone app for those of us with OCD that need spreadsheets for Auntie Flo) APP told me that my monthly "gift" was going to arrive today. That explains why the "girls" almost self-amputated on Monday.... they hurt THAT much!

3. I was overdue for a big helping of self-loathing and guilt. Apparently, I thrive on it.

4. I just bought $200 in clothing at Torrid in size ZERO..... because that's my size there. I'll never be a true size zero...... so I figured I needed to get a few pieces of clothing that said it anyway. The super sexy skinny jeans? Size 16. 

5. I'm going to the OB/GYN on Monday, and she has a scale that I need to hop on so the nurse can write it on my chart. Any time I know someone has to weigh me...... there's a slip

6. I'm going for a PLASTICS consultation a week from Monday. Another scale I'm sure.

7. The husband AND the kids were home from work/school for election day. Hubby took Monday and Wednesday off for a 5 day weekend, and to burn a few days that were going to be lost Jan 1 if he didn't take them. He stresses me out when he's home, because I WORK from home. I'm self employed, and it's hard to work when I get interrupted 8000 times. If the kids are home too..... it's a recipe for disaster (disaster = fudge brownies)

8. I lied to myself, telling me it was going to kick-start my metabolism. Actually..... it's not really a lie. Every time I've done this, I have my little food party..... then a double serving of guilt. I generally do go up in weight, and then if I'm behaving, can have up to a 10 pounds drop and won't see a plateau for weeks..... but the emotional payload is too heavy a price for my (obviously) damaged psyche.

9. Everyone else was doing it...... I'm a suck for peer pressure

10. Because I'm not perfect. This is a journey....... not an express lane 10 minute quickie lube.

I did wake up feeling weak and needy, and headachy and swollen (salt and sugar can do that) and not necessarily on task..... however, one small visit to the bathroom confirmed what FMC was telling me..... and I made a cup of coffee with milk and splenda. And then I had another. And THEN I started my day.

One foot in front of the other...... breathing in and out.... some days, that's all I can do :)