Dangly Bits.....

Hmm. Looks........ FAMILIAR?

I completely forgot to try on my skirt yesterday! Sheesh.... with a Sunday weigh-in, you'd think I'd use the tape measure, weigh in, and then try on the &^@# skirt!

Last week's weigh in was: 204.8

This week's weigh in was: 199.4

My weigh-in was GREAT...... I'm back in Onederland, and although I saw 198 again, my official weigh-in was 199.4. I'm completely constipated (again) and therefore, bloated. PLUS...... Aunt Flow's ETA is this Friday. I always swell the week before, and my measurements, although showing an impressive 3.5" lost in ONE WEEK, doesn't show the full picture..... with 1/4" gains in my calves and ankles. That's a sure sign for me. When she arrives on Friday (or thereabouts) my water retention will promptly leave, and my calves and ankles will be back to normal, and not CALVES (moo) and CANKLES. :)

All in all, a stellar week!

I have my 3rd plastic surgeon consult one week from today. A friend of mine who has also lost weight, and having some issues with the saggies, is joining in for the fun. She promised no "sneaky pix" of all my dangly bits. I've noticed that things are getting saggier/danglier than ever. I wonder if I shouldn't do some sort of toning exercises to help firm up what can be firmed, to further separate itself from that, which cannot? Heck, I could draw the line on my "flying squirrel" wings where the incisions should go.

Life at home is going well. My husband, always my rock, has been wonderful. Loving, kind, and so funny! How I ever got so lucky, I'll never know. The boys have been wonderful. #2 is so darned smart, and just couldn't be any more polite and sweet. #1 is still painfully shy, but is happy to snuggle with his momma.... and I'm so happy when he does! #3 can outsmart most of his teachers, which while frustrating..... is so darned amusing!

I'm actually a little sad that they'll be going off to middle school, because their elementary school has been really great. The principal is retiring this year, so I suppose, if it was time to leave..... now was the time. She has been just incredible. I worked with her on quite a few projects for the PTA, and she was so involved, and so connected. So, it will be bittersweet all around this year when school ends. But, with every ending, comes a new beginning. I've heard wonderful things about the middle school that they'll be going to, and that's exciting to hear!

I'd post longer, but with today being end-of-month, to say I'm busy is putting it mildly! I worked on Saturday AND Sunday, and still have a mountain to climb. AND..... 2 brand new clients. I'm blessed that I have full-time work, and blessed that I get paid at a rate that makes it possible to stay home AND work at home.

Today I'm feeling BLESSED.

Just over the tattoo...... but no where near zipped!

Did I mention that I bought a size 10 skirt, that I hang in my closet, as my latest "goal" item of clothing?

I've had them all along..... a pair of Gloria Vanderbuilt pants, a dress, a shirt..... items that were too small, but hanging in my closet because "one day" I'd fit into them again.

But now, I actually have to purchase an item, since everything in my closet fits..... the ones that don't are huge (I'm looking at you, old winter coat!)

So..... here's the size 10 skirt that I bought, that I thought was just darling, AND on sale. Some days don't get better!

Picture quality isn't the best..... my digital camera is in need of a new battery, so this is from my phone.

This baby hangs in my closet just like that.

When I first got it, I couldn't get it over my hips (I suppose me being a solid size 12 right now may have something to do with that!)

Now, it's over the hips, and just covering the "limited time on this body" tattoo. (read: say goodbye to that tattoo when/if I get a TT)

Will be STOKED when I can zip that puppy up. :D

Sunday......

Sundays are my big day around here.

After a week of trying to make the best food choices that I can, I do all my weights and measures at 2:00 on Sunday afternoon.

I do tend to get (a little??) obsessive, and am trying VERY hard to stick to only one scale for my weigh ins. It's not the friendliest scale in the house, but, it doesn't tend to be as unfriendly as all the doctor's office scales. That makes doctor's visits much easier, knowing that I don't have to strip down to nothing in order to get the right number on the scale!

I do still obsess about numbers. I wish I didn't. But darn it..... everything's numbered. Scales are numbered, clothes have sizes, shoes have sizes. Grades in school. There's prices on everything. So, while I keep trying to force feed to myself that "numbers don't matter" they DO. They really DO!

Socially...

Many people have said to me "you must feel so much BETTER now"

Hmmm. I actually have to think about that. I didn't really feel all that BAD before. My answer to that, which is complely honest "Actually, I didn't realize how bad I felt, until I felt better. The thing that has made the biggest difference is my sleep! I never realized I woke up so often during the night, now I sleep right through!"

However, many times after that conversation is had, the questioner doesn't understand it. They soay something to the effect of "yeah, but all that weight off you...... that's what I mean, you don't weigh so much anymore" I just don't know what to say anymore about that.

Yes, I've lost nearly 180 pounds. That's more than my husband weighs. But I can't imagine it feels the same if he were to hop on my back, and have me carry him around all day. It's just NOT the same. I gained that weight over time. For various reasons, some out of pain, many out of boredom: eating well past my caloric needs, and I slowly but surely got to a very unhealthy weight. But it wasn't in the form of a human growth on my back. It slowly encapsulated my whole body.

When I did measurements today, I included total inches lost, and I've lost 1/2" on my wrist alone. ALL my rings are now 2-3 sizes too big. My old pinkie ring now swirls on my ring finger.

When I started this journey back in August 2009, I came clean with my anxiety of people mentioning my weight loss. That I started to feel responsible to THEM for maintaining the loss, and that many, many times over the years, that was the event that caused me to go off plan, and gain weight again. Because I didn't want to feel responsible TO anyone else.

Now that I'm here, the nice comments are welcome! You look great, you look fantastic, good for you! Always a validation that my re-commitment to myself is working.

Sometimes I get back-handed comments though... and they often times leave me wondering if that person was truly meaning to be malicious, or if they were just not able to effectively communicate a compliment. I've heard things like "good job..... so far. keep working" "wow... you've lost so much weight no one would EVER know how big you truly got" "look how pretty you look now"

Those still leave me with my mouth hanging agape, with only "um, thanks"

I've also mentioned before...... there's also those that refuse to say a word about it. Not only that, but they go out of their way NOT to say something (that could be my interpretation, anyway. I'm a woman.... I can 'read' into a situation, merited or not) and then I start to pay attention. There's got to be a handful of women that I know from various outside activities that have never mentioned anything about my weight loss, and if it does get mentioned, they generally walk out of the conversation.

I think about it, and can only imagine that it's their own weight issues bothering them. I remember when my friend Toni from my neighborhood in PA lost a bunch of weight, and at the time I wasn't happy with where my weight was..... I was certainly envious. Definitely jealous. I wasn't mad at her, but I don't think I was her biggest cheerleader either. I can't remember saying anything to her like "congratulations" or anything like that. I moved away, and never saw her again. If I was able to talk to her now, I might call her and mention that, but sadly, she passed away. So..... I can only pray up to her that I wish I had been more supportive of her.

Now there's one last event that I need to address. I've coming up against acquaintances not recognizing me AT ALL.

I saw a lady at my local grocery store a few days ago, and smiled at her, and was about to say hi, when she looked right through me, and kept on walking. She and I were friendly, and I knew her from church. She even taught my children sunday school for a while.

I had another lady this past summer do the same thing...... she even talked to my other friend, and looked at me and smiled and said "nice to meet you"

How do I re-introduce myself to those that don't recognize me? Granted...... my hair is longer than it's ever been, and in a completely different style. Add to that 180 pounds lost, and a pair of boots that make me 3" taller, and I can it happening. But it's happening more frequently now, and I'm having a hard time processing it.

I did have a lady come up to me at Walmart this week, telling me that her daughter who was with her said I was the triplet's mom. She said "my goodness, I didn't even recognize you!" which was really, really nice. (side note: I felt bad that I didn't recognize her...... but once I saw her daughter, I remembered her! Alzheimers???)

So...... I'm a little perplexed how to handle that.

Lastly........ a local plastic surgeon just asked to be my "friend" on facebook. He's the last one that I was considering getting a consultation with. I've seen two, have an appointment this week, and was considering getting one with him, before I make my final decision.

Perhaps I went to his FB fan page and hit "like" and that's why he friended me? Not sure.... thought it was a little weird.

AND...... I would still like to lose exactly 30 pounds. Some of the surgeons have said I'm ready now.... that the weight I need to lose is below my waist, and that I don't plan on having thigh lifts until 2012 (scares the crap out of me to even be talking about it!) so I'm ready now. One of the surgeons said he'd like me to lose those 30 pounds, and then wait 6 months, THEN have surgery.

But I'll be honest......... I've been fighting these last 10 pounds pretty hard. Maybe I need to be a little further away from all the holidays, and post-holiday stress to see the scale consistently moving again.

I'll wait until the end of February, and if things aren't moving along better, I'm going to go get a fill.

A few words

So..... I wrote my personal feelings about a situation going on with a friend, and without meaning to, hurt her in the process. I'm wholeheartedly sorry that she got hurt by reading what I wrote, and feel horrible. 

Although this blog is small, and read only by a few of my fellow lap-bandsters, I still tried to keep things anonymous by not mentioning names..... and changes names of others. Although 99% of what I write about is weights, measures, food, diet frustrations and my lap-band, 1% of what I've written is about stuff that is weighing heavily on me, and affecting me....... and perhaps that wasn't fair.

I had honestly thought that my following of a mere 31 people, all of whom I know from lap-band surgery support forums, were the only ones reading this blog. If I had any inkling at all that anyone that I knew in my personal life was reading it, well..... I probably would have taken the blog down entirely. And I did today.

I do feel horrible that my friend read my blog, and was hurt by it. I deleted that post, and it's gone forever. I couldn't possibly leave it up.

I may have assumed that only other lap-bandsters were reading it, and initially, I was embarrassed that people that I knew not only read my blog, but can see my pictures, my weights, my current weight, etc. Even my best friend had no idea that I had a blog. I never told anymore outside of my lap-band and diet forums about it, so I'm a little surprised to have found that people in my everyday life were reading it.

So I deleted my blog.

I hurt a friend by what I wrote here. Apparently, at least two people who are in my personal life (and perhaps more) have been reading my blog for who-knows how long, and all my personal feelings, trials, tribulations, etc., were being read unbeknownst to me. I feel like a teenager who's diary was just read by everyone in homeroom. Just plain embarrassed, and ashamed.

But then I thought about it.....

I feel very badly that what I wrote hurt a friend. I've made a step to show my remorse by deleting the post completely.

I feel a little weird that people I know are reading my blog. But then, does that discredit my journey with weight loss?

So I restored my blog.

I won't be writing about friends, neighbors, etc. 

However, I will not be ashamed of where my weight went to. I started this journey at 375.5. I'm not proud of that number, but without actually getting THERE.... I would never have gotten HERE. I am back to my low of 198, and the scale is steadily moving in the right direction. I will continue this journey, and this blog.

This blog is a testament of my personal journey with weight loss. I won't be embarrassed by my postings related to my weight-loss. 

I hurt a friend, and I am very sorry for it.

Accountability

So I have certainly found that some of my difficulties with food lie with time of day.

I generally wake up at around 6:15 - 6:30, depending on how many times I slap that snooze alarm! Once awake, I bound down the stairs, let the puppies out to go to the potty.... here's the cuties.....

I then drink a nice big cup of Starbucks French Roast coffee (with Sugar Free French Vanilla international delight creamer)

at around 8:30 - 9:00 I drink my Blueberry Protein Smoothie (I thought I put my recipe with counts on this blog...... I'm going to re-post tomorrow, since I can't find it now)

I'm a good girl all day..... I'll generally have a snack around 11:30 - 12:00, and then a lunch at around 2:00..... dinner at 6:00pm. And then IT starts. The nibblies. I try to make myself just have a snack of yogurt with granola at around 9:00pm to appease the nibbly-noo noo that lives inside me.

What do I do about these night time nibblies? I'm great all day, but from 6-10pm, not so much.

Go to bed at 6:01? Trust me..... I've thought about it :) What CAN I do about this time of day, that seems to make my nosher nosh?

Coming Clean....

I've had a very hard weekend.

I learned a lot about myself this weekend, and came face to face with the "old me" I had a nibbly, nibbly weekend. I suffered from what I used to call "a hole I just can't fill" but I continued to try to fill it with ice cream, chips, cookies, etc.

After a weekend bender with bad food choices, instead of feeling guilty and bloated (well... ok... I actually DO feel bloated) I realized that all that crappy food: 1) didn't taste nearly as good as i used to think it did, and 2) didn't satisfy like it used to and 3) most importantly, did absolutely nothing for me, other than make me feel sluggish and blah.

I actually felt a little poisoned... my body just didn't feel like it has with all the good and healthy foods I'd been feeding it.

So.... perhaps I needed a small trip down memory lane to remind me, that not unlike old memories, sometimes they get sweeter as time goes by, and when you actually revisit old times, they just don't hold the same appeal, and get quite stale very quickly.

I may be rambling with my thoughts here on the blog..... but my mind is crystal clear. I cannot eat shitty food again. It makes me feel shitty, think shitty, look shitty......

Now.... to find a salad dressing that my husband doesn't find horribly offensive!