Sunday, January 23, 2011


Sundays are my big day around here.

After a week of trying to make the best food choices that I can, I do all my weights and measures at 2:00 on Sunday afternoon.

I do tend to get (a little??) obsessive, and am trying VERY hard to stick to only one scale for my weigh ins. It's not the friendliest scale in the house, but, it doesn't tend to be as unfriendly as all the doctor's office scales. That makes doctor's visits much easier, knowing that I don't have to strip down to nothing in order to get the right number on the scale!

I do still obsess about numbers. I wish I didn't. But darn it..... everything's numbered. Scales are numbered, clothes have sizes, shoes have sizes. Grades in school. There's prices on everything. So, while I keep trying to force feed to myself that "numbers don't matter" they DO. They really DO!


Many people have said to me "you must feel so much BETTER now"

Hmmm. I actually have to think about that. I didn't really feel all that BAD before. My answer to that, which is complely honest "Actually, I didn't realize how bad I felt, until I felt better. The thing that has made the biggest difference is my sleep! I never realized I woke up so often during the night, now I sleep right through!"

However, many times after that conversation is had, the questioner doesn't understand it. They soay something to the effect of "yeah, but all that weight off you...... that's what I mean, you don't weigh so much anymore" I just don't know what to say anymore about that.

Yes, I've lost nearly 180 pounds. That's more than my husband weighs. But I can't imagine it feels the same if he were to hop on my back, and have me carry him around all day. It's just NOT the same. I gained that weight over time. For various reasons, some out of pain, many out of boredom: eating well past my caloric needs, and I slowly but surely got to a very unhealthy weight. But it wasn't in the form of a human growth on my back. It slowly encapsulated my whole body.

When I did measurements today, I included total inches lost, and I've lost 1/2" on my wrist alone. ALL my rings are now 2-3 sizes too big. My old pinkie ring now swirls on my ring finger.

When I started this journey back in August 2009, I came clean with my anxiety of people mentioning my weight loss. That I started to feel responsible to THEM for maintaining the loss, and that many, many times over the years, that was the event that caused me to go off plan, and gain weight again. Because I didn't want to feel responsible TO anyone else.

Now that I'm here, the nice comments are welcome! You look great, you look fantastic, good for you! Always a validation that my re-commitment to myself is working.

Sometimes I get back-handed comments though... and they often times leave me wondering if that person was truly meaning to be malicious, or if they were just not able to effectively communicate a compliment. I've heard things like "good job..... so far. keep working" "wow... you've lost so much weight no one would EVER know how big you truly got" "look how pretty you look now"

Those still leave me with my mouth hanging agape, with only "um, thanks"

I've also mentioned before...... there's also those that refuse to say a word about it. Not only that, but they go out of their way NOT to say something (that could be my interpretation, anyway. I'm a woman.... I can 'read' into a situation, merited or not) and then I start to pay attention. There's got to be a handful of women that I know from various outside activities that have never mentioned anything about my weight loss, and if it does get mentioned, they generally walk out of the conversation.

I think about it, and can only imagine that it's their own weight issues bothering them. I remember when my friend Toni from my neighborhood in PA lost a bunch of weight, and at the time I wasn't happy with where my weight was..... I was certainly envious. Definitely jealous. I wasn't mad at her, but I don't think I was her biggest cheerleader either. I can't remember saying anything to her like "congratulations" or anything like that. I moved away, and never saw her again. If I was able to talk to her now, I might call her and mention that, but sadly, she passed away. So..... I can only pray up to her that I wish I had been more supportive of her.

Now there's one last event that I need to address. I've coming up against acquaintances not recognizing me AT ALL.

I saw a lady at my local grocery store a few days ago, and smiled at her, and was about to say hi, when she looked right through me, and kept on walking. She and I were friendly, and I knew her from church. She even taught my children sunday school for a while.

I had another lady this past summer do the same thing...... she even talked to my other friend, and looked at me and smiled and said "nice to meet you"

How do I re-introduce myself to those that don't recognize me? Granted...... my hair is longer than it's ever been, and in a completely different style. Add to that 180 pounds lost, and a pair of boots that make me 3" taller, and I can it happening. But it's happening more frequently now, and I'm having a hard time processing it.

I did have a lady come up to me at Walmart this week, telling me that her daughter who was with her said I was the triplet's mom. She said "my goodness, I didn't even recognize you!" which was really, really nice. (side note: I felt bad that I didn't recognize her...... but once I saw her daughter, I remembered her! Alzheimers???)

So...... I'm a little perplexed how to handle that.

Lastly........ a local plastic surgeon just asked to be my "friend" on facebook. He's the last one that I was considering getting a consultation with. I've seen two, have an appointment this week, and was considering getting one with him, before I make my final decision.

Perhaps I went to his FB fan page and hit "like" and that's why he friended me? Not sure.... thought it was a little weird.

AND...... I would still like to lose exactly 30 pounds. Some of the surgeons have said I'm ready now.... that the weight I need to lose is below my waist, and that I don't plan on having thigh lifts until 2012 (scares the crap out of me to even be talking about it!) so I'm ready now. One of the surgeons said he'd like me to lose those 30 pounds, and then wait 6 months, THEN have surgery.

But I'll be honest......... I've been fighting these last 10 pounds pretty hard. Maybe I need to be a little further away from all the holidays, and post-holiday stress to see the scale consistently moving again.

I'll wait until the end of February, and if things aren't moving along better, I'm going to go get a fill.

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